Life

What self hatred really does

One of the worst and most hidden type of hatred is self hatred. Sometimes more than others it can cause people to choose dangerous and various methods of dealing with it. I would know because i lived it . There were times i hated looking in the mirror and when i did all i saw was what my bulimia wanted me to see. All i saw when i was sick was alll the things that i had to fix about myself. I remember the pills,and purging and cuts that i did to make the hatred go away,  but it kept comming back. Now i have learned being almost recovered that when you let go of your bulimia most of your self hatred goes with it because it leaves with what started it. So if you ever have that problem just do what i do don't think  about what you don't like about yourself but think of the stuff you love about your life.

This my sound weird but it helps but i write compliments and quotes on my mirror and notebooks to help me remember that self hatred is the road that i once took that almost cost me my life.

Sign of bulimia

During these episodes, symptoms of bulimia include:

•Eating an excessive amount of food
•Lack of control over eating
•Self-induced vomiting
•Misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications
•Fasting
•Excessive exercise.
•Heart problems, such as irregular heartbeat, low pulse, low blood pressure, weakened heart muscle, or heart failure

•Problems with fluids and electrolytes, including dehydration and low levels of potassium, magnesium, and sodium
•Intestinal problems, such as constipation, irregular bowel movements, bloating, diarrhea, and abdominal cramping
•Mouth problems, including cavities, tooth enamel erosion, gum disease, and sensitivity to hot and cold foods
•Mental health problems, including depression, fear of gaining weight, anxiety, dizziness, shame, and low self-esteem
•Throat and esophagus soreness, irritation, or tears
•Stomach problems, including ulcers, pain, and delayed emptying
•Anemia
•Abrasion of knuckles
•Dry skin
•Cheek swelling or soreness
•Blood in vomit
•Irregular or absent period
•Muscle fatigue.

If you recognize any of these signs you need to get  them help it could mean there life

Sorry I forgot to tell you

That as my friend you must be true.
As that I went to say,
No more were we at play.
I meant to tell you the future looked bright,
But all of a sudden we got in a fight.
I went to tell you we should be friends,
That I will be here untill the end.
But you would not listen to me,
So friends no longer shall we be.


This peom reminds me of what happened when i was in treatment and even now that some friends just weren't ment to be there forever. The friends you want to keepare the ones that are not "leeches" that are only your friends when your not haveing hard times and leave you when you are. Their the ones that say they will write and call you but they never do. If they do it will be to only to discuss their problems that you have created by not being there. The real friends are the ones that call to see if your okay and can talk to you about their problems and you talk about yours and you both understand eachother. An their there from start to finish during good and bad times. So don`t keep the leeches keep the real friends cause a real friend won't suck you dry.

It's okay to be different

Through all the tough times in my still continuing journey to recovery something that i think everyone should know. That God cut us all from the same loaf of bread but he also made each slice  different in their own way. Thats why we were all given different talents and all look different from eachother.

So when i was bad in my bulimia and even sometimes now i look at  those other pieces and want to be like them. Then i remember what i went through to try to be like them. I basically burned myself in the proccess of trying to be someone that i wasn`t. So now i have slowly started to decide that i like being just me . So butter me up and call me different from the other slices cause i just want to be me.

Mia Lies

You said you would give me everything if i did what you wanted
I gave you everything and you gave me nothing but pain
You told me everything would get better if i just took one more pill
One more pill , just one more thats what you told me

You told me that people would only love me if i was skinny
You told me you would make me loved i just had to pay a price
Little did i know that the price you asked was for my life
So i gave you my life and you destroyed it and put me through hell

Because of you i almost lost everything i love
There was a time where you told me that life wasnt worth it
Well your wrong , life is worth living
I can't beleive that i gave you six years of my life
Your no friend your just the "Promiser"

You promised me everything if i gave you control
You gave me nothing all you did was take away everything
You said you were the only one that loved me and would never hurt me
Well the blood from the purging tells me you lied

So now im leaving you you selfish "Promiser"
You gave me nothing so fight allyou want to keep me
but in the end i will win and be with people that actually love me

Hating Bulimia Poem

Holding in the tears,

As I stare into my porcelain sanctuary,
My fingers slide gently into my throat,

This has all become routine to me,
The bathroom door is locked,

So no one will catch this act of shame,

My evil act of redemption
Fueled by my morbid disdain,

The acid starts to burn my throat,

A twisted kind of pleasure,
Relying on the thrill of the purging,
The delight that keeps my life together,
The taste of blood and vomit mix,
Leaving a terrified feeling of disgrace,
I spit out what is left,

To rid myself of this horrid taste,

I struggle to my room,

And allow myself to collapse on the bed,
My shallow heart beats in my chest,
As thoughts of dishonor run through my head,
I have become immune to this feeling,
But disappointment dwells deep inside my heart,
My delight of destroying myself,

Is tearing my life apart.

When i was in treatment and even now i think of this quote all the time it reminds me that when you try to  change yourself to fit in all your doing is becoming a copy of what others want you to be not who you truly are.

Can you imagine the world if everyone was the same as everyone else ;ife would be boring and lose all of the originality that different people put in it. People were ment to be different and to stand out. Thats one of the biggest things i learned in treatment was that i don't have to be skinny to get people to like me i just had to let people see the real me. I think thats what everyone needs to do.

This quote is so important to me because it reminds me how close i got to almost losing my life just to be what i thought would make me perfect. Well i was wrong . Being perfect means being who you are no matter what others say.